Transcription:Omaha's Number 1 News Team
segment begins with the opening titles for Omaha's Number 1 News Team, and goes directly to the main anchor in a news studio. Skip Kazurowski: Good evening Omaha, and Oma-how are you? It's flu season. Ross Hathaway has the story. scene goes to a doctor's office, and people are lined up, hoping for a chance at a flu shot. The camera slowly pans to the right, showing the length of the line as Ross speaks. Ross Hathaway: voiceover Flu season means trips to the pharmacy, missed work, and kids coming home with crusty shirt sleeves, but surprisingly, giant robots are the hardest hit. scene cuts to a city background. The Red Power Ranger stands in the foreground, speaking to the camera. Red Ranger: The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers offer great health insurance, but even a Ranger can get the flu and call in sick. scene cuts to a fight, assumedly in Angel Grove, between a giant crab monster and a Megazord. It flails around, assumedly because one of the Rangers is missing, tries to hit the crab monster with its sword, but ends up falling over and subsequently being destroyed by the crab monster. Red Ranger: voiceover Ah, being a Zord down really leaves the Rangers in a bad way. camera cuts to a scene depicting the Castle of Lions. Voltron makes his way towards it, but succumbs to a detatched limb. Ross Hathaway: voiceover Also affected was Voltron... camera cuts to a beach scene where the Decepticon Devastator, lies helplessly on the beach. Optimus Prime runs up to and kicks him, sending him all the way into the background. Ross Hathaway: voiceover ...and the menacing Devastator. camera cuts back to the newsroom. Skip: We now take you to our eye-in-the-sky for today's live car chase. camera cuts to a scene not unlike that of the typical gameplay of the video game Spy Hunter. Several police cars chase a white sports car which swerves slightly to the left and right. As the two police cars begin to catch the sports car, it sprays smoke from the exhaust pipe. The two police cars collide and fly to opposite sides offscreen. Car Chase Reporter:' Officers are in pursuit of a white sports car, which failed to yield for a routine traffic stop. Good lord! The sports car now appears to be on fire...no...it's a smokescreen! Woah! I've never seen anything like this! camera cuts back to the newsroom. Skip: More later as the story develops. Now, shocking ameteur news footage acquired by this program so that we may shock you with it! camera cuts to a dark alleyway, where a robbery is in progress. A robber, dressed in the classic black robber attire, struggles to snatch a purse from a blonde-haired woman. Robber: Gimme that! Woman: Noooo! Help! Police! From the right, classic cartoon character Underdog leaps into the scene. Underdog: There's no need to fear, Underdog is here! woman and robber suddenly clamor after hearing Underdog. Robber: Holy fucking shit! You're a talking dog!! Woman: (indistinguishable) Three more people appear on the scene; a well dressed man, a young boy, and another man. Well-dress Gentleman: A...a talking dog? Really? Young Boy: Great ass-fucking Moses! Other Gentleman: Can you speak? Can you say something, doggie? camera pans back to UNDERDOG, who gives his onlookers a disdainful look. Underdog: Uh...kay. Th- there's no need to fea- is interrupted by the various interjections of the crowd. Young Boy: It's a fucking talking dog! of this, Underdog flies away to more amazed chatter among the crowd. Male Voice: And it flies! camera goes back to the newsroom. Skip: And now the weather with chief meteorologist Paris Hilton. cut to weather board with Paris Hilton at its side and the Central United States written over with "HOT". Paris Hilton: It's hot. cut back to Skip. Skip: My ear is saying something to me, there's new developments in that freeway police chase! back to police chase. Car Chase Reporter: The sports car is now tailgating a semi truck. Hoooooly...he's apparently got himself an accomplice, but...wait a minute, there he is...he's back on the road. sports car slides into the semi truck and comes back out, again driving. He narrowly avoids a black car. A helicopter comes in from the lower right hand side and hovers in front of the sports car. A missile comes from the front of the car and blows up the helicopter. Car Chase Reporter: Oh my God!! He just destroyed that helicopter with...some sort of...ground-to-air missile. back to newsroom. Skip: Apparently, that was the traffic helicopter from our associates at Channel Five. Our hearts go out to their entire news team. Once lovable, the Shirt Tales are causing controversy at the local zoo with their new t-shirts. scene cuts to a zoo where the Shirt Tales characters are engaged in various activities with t-shirts outside of their typical wear. Tyg Tiger: a t-shirt with the slogan "Tigga Please" Look man, you can't reach the kids these days with crack t-shirt slogans like "hug me"! Pammy Panda: wearing a shirt that reads "More Trees, LESS BUSH" Yeah! Digger Mole: a shirt with a marijuana symbol on it If it grows in the ground, it was meant for me. Bogey Orangutan: in a Sean Connery-esque voice, wearing a "Female Body Inspector" shirt That's right, sweetheart! scene cuts to the inside of the ranger station, where Mr. Dinkle is at his desk. Mr. Dinkle: What can I do? Every time I chase them, the Shirt Tales take off in that fucking flying car of theirs! Son of a bitch! behind Mr. Dinkle, a flying car soars up a la "Back to the Future, Part 2", then takes off. back to newsroom. Skip: I'm just getting word that police are closing in on the killer sports car! back to police chase. The sports car is now being chased by five police cars. Car Chase Reporter: Why don't motorists realize they just can't outrun the police? Unless they have a speedboat, like the one he's taking off in right now! sports car drives off a wharf and transforms into a speedboat and continues its journey. One of the police cars crashes into the water. back to newsroom. Skip: Ladies and gentlemen, we're getting word of panic throughout the city. We turn to our internet expert for more. cut to the Internet expert - a man dressed in a black suit, wearing glasses and using a laptop computer. Internet expert: A new worm is deleting not only the porn on people's hard drives, but all the porn on the internet entirely! to a scene where a riot has broken out. Skip: voiceover We're now seeing live footage from downtown Boston, where social order has completely broken down. teen walks out of the house with his pants down and a computer in front of him. Teen: I was only halfway done. (sobs) Half...way...done! back to newsroom. Skip: We now take you to the White House, where a Press conference is underway. the White House, George W. Bush is making a speech. George W. Bush: My fellow Americans, I give you my word that the United States of America will find, capture, and punish those responsible for this great national tragedy. And, if the perpetrators are listening, I have only this to say: It's not funny, man. Give us back our porn. roll. Omaha's Number 1 News Team